Taking Things Personally
Updated: Oct 2
Is it just me, or does it feel like the whole world has become really easily offended?
Last week we tried to suffer less by deciding less. This week we try to suffer less by taking less personally.
Nothing other people do or say is because of us. It is because of them — their map, their morning, their fear.
The teaching
Don Miguel Ruiz put it in The Four Agreements: Don’t take anything personally. That is not softness. It is accuracy.
Taking things personally has become a national hobby. It is also why people with different views cannot finish a civil sentence. The conversation dies before agreement has a chance — even the agreement to disagree.
People try to move each other in three ways. Coercion uses force or the threat of it. Manipulation uses emotion, often guilt, often with bad information. Agreement is the powerful one. It requires a conversation. Taking it personally kills the conversation.
When someone reaches for your attention, you still have a choice. The 3 R’s of Communication: React — fast, little thought. Respond — consider the words and your motives. Refrain — grab your own ears and look elsewhere. What we feed, grows.
How to begin
When something lands as an insult, pause long enough to name it: their map, not yours.
Choose React, Respond, or Refrain before you speak or type.
If you refrain, put the attention back on what is truly important.
This week’s Life Challenge
Use the 3 R’s of Communication — React, Respond, or Refrain — and stop taking things personally.
Not everything that reaches for you deserves you
The 3 R’s are easy on a page and hard in a text thread.
The app is a place to return after you refrain — a check-in instead of a rebuttal, a short practice instead of a second draft of the argument.
Don’t take it personally. Thirty days. No credit card for the trial. Come practice.
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